What I didnt understand about getting a bilateral mastectomy...

Pretty much from the beginning I knew I was going to choose a bilateral mastectomy. This choice was difficult but seemingly necessary given my type of breast cancer. I wanted to do whatever I could to lessen my risk of recurrence. In my mind, I kept telling myself, this is the boob job youve always wanted. It wasnt and isnt like that. This is my honest and raw viewpoint. I am not here to discourage or change minds, just to inform and possibly shed light on what women with breast cancer go through.

 There were and are some things I didn't realize about this choice:

• Its not a BOOB JOB. They aren't the same. They do not sit or look like natural breasts with implants. When you have a mastectomy they remove all of your breast tissue. This leaves you with little to no fat in your chest area. Your cleavage is not the same...You will have liposuction to transfer fat to your chest to fill in some of the empty space.You can also have dimples (cellulite) from fat in your chest area. This hasn't happened to me.
• The fat doesn't always stay. I lost fat almost immediately. This will cause a dimple or indention. Which I stare at and hate. I have to have another surgery to fix it.
• You can flex your chest muscles. At first I thought this was funny. Now when I unknowingly flex or use the muscle I have a deformed appearance... Certain positions like a push up or plank you can see it. It makes me constantly aware of my "not normal breasts". When I am in a bathing suit I am very worried someone will see it happen.
• You may or may not lose your nipples. In my case I didn't keep them. This choice was very hard but highly advised because of the proximity of my tumor to my nipple. It bothers me everyday. You have the option of reconstruction and tattoos but as of today I haven't been able to get them done because of the $900 left of my deductible. 
• They are sometimes uncomfortable to lay on. I credit this to lack of breast tissue. I have to adjust myself to get in a good position.
• Running or jumping without a really good sports bra is not fun. I again credit this to lack of breast tissue. 
• If you are given the option of immediate reconstruction after mastectomy there is the possibility especially if you have had children that you will have pain due to thin skin. The implants are put in immediately and it hurts.
• If you don't choose immediate reconstruction: I was advised against this. You will be given spacers to inflate a new pocket in your chest. Think of them as saving a spot for your implants. I had mine for 3 months, filling them every week. This was so I could have my surgery before my deductible was changed back for the calendar year. They are not soft... They are hard and uncomfortable. Another downfall is that they are sewn to your chest wall and you can almost feel the tugging... You often find yourself asking for gentle hugs because you don't want to push against them. They are filled in a time frame decided on between you and your surgeon. To fill them they use a large needle, it looks like a Halloween prop no joke! There are magnets in the spacers that help the doctor find the fill spot. The needle goes thru your chest muscle (super fun) and fills the space with saline to build the pocket. My chest muscles jumped and twitched 90% of the time, so I did not look forward to the fills. Ouch!
• There is another form of reconstruction called the Dflap. They use fat from your midsection to create new breasts. A friend of mine had hers done this way and they look amazing! Ive been told that the worst pain from this reconstruction is in the abdomen because they surgically remove a large area and sew you back together. Think tummy tuck kind of?
• Sometimes you will feel pain or a weird numb pain especially if you had lymph nodes removed. I had them removed on my left side and on occasion I have this dull pain for days. You can also lose strength from the lymph node surgery. It may or may not come back.
• When you have the liposuction for fat transfer you don't feel much breast pain. You mostly look bruised wherever the lipo was done. That is where the pain is. Your breasts are mostly numb at this point because of the incisions. 
• It can be multiple surgeries. One to remove the breasts, one to place spacers unless you do it then, one to transfer fat, one to reconstruct nipples and lastly to tattoo new nipples. This isn't a for sure situation but one that people should be aware of... I was hopeful that I could get it done quicker but I didn't.
• It is a huge adjustment. I go thru ups, downs, regrets, and still cry about it. There are some days where I wish I could have my "mom boobs" back. Looking back, they weren't so bad after all! I thought I was gonna have these awesome boobs and its just not the same. But, I have to remind myself daily, that I did this to have to lowest chances of my cancer coming back. I have to remember why I did it in the first place. I want to be strong and positive but there are a lot of days I can't. Its a daily battle that I hope fades with time. This doesn't mean I shouldn't have done it, I just want people to understand what you go thru during and after. You will know what the right decision for you is, I just want you to know more details. 

If you are about to make this choice or you know someone that is, I hope this helps you. I went thru a lot from the beginning of chemo to now, alone.. People shy away when you need them. You learn very quickly who will be there and who wont, who you can talk to and who you can't and who you can trust. One thing people need is someone that will check on them and genuinely care!

XOXO,
Lundi